The Indigestibles.

 The following conversation is sensitive and personal, but raw and unfiltered. I thought it was worth sharing; some part of me deemed it beautiful. This is how loneliness becomes a demon. 

…..

Digestible. 

I hate that word; it perfectly conveys how I have to lessen myself in order to make myself bite-sized for others to handle. Even in a failed relationship that stubbornly lasted five years out of sheer fear of loneliness. Too emotional, too high-strung, overly reactive. Reacting all the wrong ways, always, constantly. It defeats the purpose of even reacting. I don’t want to react anymore. Any way that I react is the wrong way. The evil way; the problem, the evil one, the misunderstood one. I’m highly sensitive, so I don’t function that way; I bite back when someone glares at me with violence. I bite before the violence happens because I am wired to protect myself, I am accustomed to hurt; I know how to deal with pain in the way an animal does. Irrational, defensive, on guard. 

My friend recently underwent a horrific breakup with a hardly human boy. He is a tumor: a malignant disease. Kindly, he should cease to exist. I am sure he will make himself dispensable and forgettable in the future to anyone he comes across; this is his fate. To become nothing, nobody, and all at once what everyone fears: valueless. 

I want to share some of the words of this conversation I had with this friend. We both suffer from loneliness; it mutates into fear, desire for possession, and greed. 

If you understand us, congratulations and my condolences: you are one of us.

The indigestibles. 

The Drunken Greeting & Sympathetic Wanderer 

“I’m proud of you. I understand you; I've been through it before - with the waves, the neglect. It hurts. As people, all we want is connection, a deep bond, love; it's what we're supposed to strive for; it makes us happier and complete. Supposedly.. I don't know; you put your heart into that relationship, and that in itself is never a waste; to love is never a waste. You grew; you became more beautiful and stronger in the process. And no one else will ever be able to do that to you again. he will get his own pain and karma one way or another; what he did was inhumane and despicable. I don't know where I'm going with this, but. Erase him. He's nothing now. he doesn't deserve a second of your thoughts or feelings. He doesn't exist anymore. He isn't worth your energy.”

  “Are you lonely, V? You know, you have friends but are you lonely? Why do you need a person?”

V: “It feels so weird because there are - So many people around me; it’s almost overwhelming, but I feel so fucking lonely all the time. Every time I’m alone, I cry. I cry so much, or I used to a lot more. It’s been a smidge better, but it’s so hard because I know there are people there, but there’s not. The one person.”

“It makes us toxic and obsessive. It's what causes it. Wanting someone to soothe the loneliness and fill it up, to love you unconditionally. That's the reason we paint ourselves as the "problem"; it's because of the loneliness, V, that's it. We're lonely; that's why we want a person to want us and pick us and choose us and love us. It's not because we're evil and manipulative and awful; we're just lonely as shit and scared as shit.”

V: “We’re both just souls with too much love to give, and that causes strong emotions and even worse people who take advantage of those emotions to paint you in a horrible light.”

“Did you love him? Truly? Or are you mourning that you feel like you don't have a person anymore? Or a mix of both?”

V: “I think I miss having a person that wouldn’t give up on me.

  And I do think I loved him. Maybe at one point.

   But I don’t think He was special.”

“Listen, V. Spending money ≠ love; sometimes it's just an investment. Wasting money but keeping you a secret. Don't let anyone ever do it again, please, if they intend to be in a relationship with you. That’s what prostitution is, except using love as a currency. Buying you shit and keeping you a secret, but making you love him more while he’s actively waiting and searching for other love interests.” 

To Heal Means To Love Oneself and Choose Mercy

“You are not a problem that needs to be "put up with"; you just need to finally feel safe and understood and reassured properly. At the same time, I think we need to heal how we express our pain and jealousy and need and manage our emotions better. Not so we can "make ourselves more digestible," but so we don't hurt others and ourselves anymore in the long run. So we become better people and can show our love the way we truly wanted it to be seen in the first place. I think we just need to be more gentle with how we communicate our pain. What do you think? But it's not something wrong with me or you. Yes, we could've reacted better, but they hurt us, and we will, in the future, find people who won't want to hurt us ever and will stay to listen.”